Two things have happened lately that struck me with a bout of serious pessimism.
1. My brother got into an accident, suffered head trauma, and stayed in the hospital for FIVE DAYS.
2. To cap it all off, I just lost my phone – and with it over 300 contacts within the industry that I work in.
And about #2, I wish I could share a story that someone could learn from or warn others – like a few people in Facebook who post photos or sketches of suspected snatchers and hold-uppers, or else describe a modus operandi. But no – all I could tell you is that one minute I had my phone, and the next minute, it put my hand in my bag to get it back out to text someone and IT WAS GONE. So I guess my advice would be to STAY FREAKING ALERT and BE CAREFUL, DAMMIT!
The only consolation I have I was able to get my old number back… So if you have my number in your contacts list, please send me a message and introduce yourself so I could save your number back in my phone book.
In other news – MY OLDER BROTHER IS GRADUATING FROM COLLEGE TODAY!
Things are starting to look up. I hope all the positive vibes roll in now… I could really use some.
It’s not because it’s the end of the year.
It’s not because it’s my birthday in a few short hours.
It’s not because everyone who has a blog is compelled to have a year-end post.
It’s not because this post is also my vow to write and roll in 2012.
It’s not because I’m a little regretful and happy and excited all at the same time.
It’s not because I have a very good reason to write something…
Well, I think I do.
Just because.
I could still remember how, when I was eight, very reluctant and embarrassed I was to admit that I had a crush on this certain boy in my class. And I didn’t even like the boy because I thought he was cute (he is, actually, now that I think about it). I liked him because he was the only boy who didn’t mess with me. He recognized my strength and considered me an equal, which meant we could play together, which is cool especially in our class where there was a definite divide between girls and boys.
Maybe you’d tell me that’s way too deep thinking for an eight-year-old. Seriously, though, that’s how I felt. I liked him very much because he respected me. I was a little tomboyish then and he didn’t mock me and that was nice. He let me punch his arm in eight-year-old bro-fist fashion.
Of course I didn’t tell him I had a crush on him. I knew what being outed as having a crush meant – relentless teasing from the classmates and I didn’t want that. And for my eight-year-old self, it wasn’t something that I should have been focusing on anyway. I was too busy playing with Lego and watching cartoons and eating candy.
I was a kid.
Two days ago, I overheard a mother and her two kids having a very animated conversation in the bus while on my way to work. The mom kept shushing the kids down in between her comments of “Talaga? (Really?)” but she was too amused to be actually serious about it.
The older brother (he looked seven) was regaling the younger one (who looked five or four) about his ex named Lala. The younger brother was perpetually scrunching his nose. When the older boy said that he’d actually held hands with Lala, the little one screeched “Eww! She’s not even pretty,” in the vernacular. The mother scolded the child, saying it was rude to call people ugly.
The little brother fired up, saying he didn’t call Lala ugly. Just that she’s not pretty. And if his brother is looking for a girlfriend, he should think about May (at least that’s how I think it’s spelled) instead because May is an honor student and is really, really cute.
They are kids.
And I couldn’t help but note the glaring difference.
I can’t remember when and where I saw this quote and I’m not sure that I have it here word for word, but this quote has stuck with me from the time I first read it -
“We have all the time in the world. We have right now and that is all the time there ever is.”
I think we all believe in that other adage – that there’s still tomorrow to make things better. The problem with that is tomorrow is not yet ours. Those remaining hours, days, months, years of tomorrow in our lives have yet to come. They are ours but we can’t do anything with those moments except to wait for them.
So all the time we have is right now. Right now is when we can do something.
I try my damnedest to live in the moment and do what I can. I know I don’t. But perhaps, this quote could serve as my daily reminder to seize the day and do the best I could with what I have – right here, right now.
Because I have right now. And right now is all the time there ever is.
I always say that I’m afraid of cockroaches and frogs and other critters, but when I look back on it, I’m actually not – I just don’t like them a whole lot and I’m scared of them because they’re just plain creepy (don’t you agree?).
I think the word “afraid” is more profound than “scared”. Maybe because the word afraid is closer to the word “fear” and fear is what could eventually cripple you if you don’t do something about it.
So what am I afraid of? I really couldn’t say…
Maybe of failure, because I end up disappointing not only myself but also those who depend on and expect so much from me.
Maybe of success, because then I would be expected to equal or surpass what I’ve already done and achieved and then I’d be afraid I won’t be able to make it.
Maybe of losing people I love…
Maybe of being so afraid that I won’t be able to do anything else…
And when those moments come, I will recite this mantra in my head -
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.
Bene Gesserit, Litany Against Fear (Dune, Frank Herbert)
And then perhaps, I wouldn’t be so afraid anymore…